TJ and I were having dinner with some of our Jesus friends earlier this week when the inevitable topic of church came up.
Describing the current state of my faith journey as complicated would be an understatement. It’s no secret that I’ve become reticent — okay, more like bitter, actually — about the Christian church these past few years. The way that my relationship with my previous church family deteriorated has damaged me more than I care to admit.
And even though I’ve moved on and haven’t been part of that particular faith community since 2008, there’s still a part of me that’s angry–at them and at me. There’s still a part of me that’s sad. And there’s still a part of me that’s scared as all get out.
And despite my natural predilection toward massive introspectiveness, I haven’t wanted to pick at my wounds ever since.
So I’ve let it fester. And I’ve let it harden my heart. And I’ve let it affect my spirituality. It’s no surprise that my current church routine has been to show up and leave quietly, with no fanfare, no emotional engagement, and no risk of hurt.
But over dinner, our friend Jay reminded me of something I learned about a long time ago but seem to have forgotten: prevenient grace. Despite my bitterness, despite my anger, despite my fear, God’s grace is always there, ready even before I am. I’m reminded of one of my favorite Bible verses (Isaiah 43:1):
Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
I’ve been thinking about that since that night. So I wrote this song yesterday. Again, apologies for the cracky, early morning vocals.
If You Let Me
Words & Music by Archie Cubarrubia
©2012 Archie Cubarrubia
I know you’re hurting
And the wounds are just too deep
But I want you to know it’s okay
To feel the way you feel
I know you’d rather not talk
It’s easier to walk away
To pretend everything’s alright
But still feel pain
But if you let me
I will comfort you
If you will let me
I’ll sit by your side
If you will let me
I’ll hold you in my arms
And you can cry
Yes, you can cry
There are so many questions
I’m sure you’re asking now
We’ll both look for answers, we’ll find
Find a way somehow
There’s nothing I can say
That’ll change where you are
So please let me be there
Just please let me be there